Fourth World Philosopher King

I hope no one ever finds this blog. But i want people to know that if I ever commit suicide, I would have made the decision in a lucid moment.

I have been very sad since my parents divorced. Once they divorced, there was a moment where I realized that they were not infallible. My mother and my father were human, and I was given all their faults, especially my fathers. And along with that, I was also given a decent intellect, and I realized that I was more intelligent than my parents. And that’s when I realized that the course that my parents wanted me to go down was imperfect, and there was no such thing as a “perfect” course, and they were just striving for something that was more perfect than what their parents gave them.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I would probably listen to my parents, but I have gotten to a point where I feel I am better at deciding than they are. They are just as infallible as I am. I am more educated, and I know smarter than they are. Maybe I should just end it. My best years are behind me. And maybe I am just saying that because I am single. I DONT KNOW.

Thursday

Living in this city for only a couple months, and being under the thumb of myself, I just didn’t have any kind of incentive to go out. I decided that I should get drunk at every chance, despite my career, just to see what would happen. Last week I went out like 3 or 4 times and got more drunk than any sane person should, and I met a decent amount of women; more women than I did in Columbus. Now I am going out tonight, but prefaced with getting drunk with myself. I have gotten drunk with myself this past week than I ever have before. I don’t know what to attribute it to. Getting broken up with a girlfriend is definitely a difficult time go through, but it’s not even that. Just being alone in a place where you know no one else is an experience within itself. To be almost completely isolated from anyone else is, obviously, solitary. I went through the same thing my freshman year of college, and I was distraught. I turned towards a game that took the presence of family and friends. Now, I have nothing, but the alcohol that helped me have fun the last three years of college. And I feel better. I’m sure this is what alcoholics go through the first phases of addiction. And I care more than I put on. BUT…

People have to go through sadness in their lives.

I want to always remember that. Everyone goes through sadness, and I feel lucky to go through a period of sadness that is limited to “being alone” and not “being without food” or “being without medical care.” Being without friendship is solitary, but it pales in comparison to other ailments. I want to learn about solidarity and if it brings me to the edge, so be it. 

I’ve gone to a lot of art galleries recently and I feel so attracted to a lot of galleries that have to do with solitary houses on the beach. I feel like those houses. To be on the precipice of what one sees as infinity, how existential. Never forget that, no matter who you are, you have someone to vent to. Whether it is a suicide hotline or not. It just depends on whether you want to or not. There is wisdom to be found in total, and absolute SOLIDARITY. It’s hard to find out here, especially without internet access. One day I will find it.